Sunshine In My Soul

Off to a bad start....

On my LONG list of New Years Resolutions, is the resolve to be a better blogger...to stay on top of it and to be better about documenting our life. Apparently that resolve hasn't gotten me very far on here. In other areas, I've been doing FANTASTIC, though. And at least I have that to feel good about! As I've been working on our 2009 blog book, I've enjoyed reading old stories, looking through forgotten pictures, and laughing until the tears rolled down my cheeks. THAT is why I blog. THAT is why I have a crazy obsession with taking pictures. To capture my life....and write it down....so I won't forget that my life is everything that I ever wanted.

A few weeks ago, I turned 33. Yep! 33. It sounds old to me. So weird! I'm so NOT old. I'm not! I've sat down to write about my birthday at least 15 times. Yet, sometimes when something super special has happened to me, it's hard for me to find the right words to truly express how touching, how life-changing it was. I know, I know. That sounds so strange. That a birthday could be life changing for me. But it was! And because I didn't feel like I could find the words to write about it....I didn't. But I want to write it down. I need to. So here I sit. Hoping that the words will just flow. {breathe}

I knew that I should be expecting some kind of surprise, because Brett had been taunting me for a good week. Taunting me is not a good idea. I'm just saying. I LOVE surprises...if I don't know they are coming. If I KNOW there is a surprise coming...I don't like it. No, I take that back. I hate it! Every morning as he'd leave for work, he'd taunt me just a little bit more. One day he took it a little too far and said at the end of his taunting, "I'm so excited about your surprise! You'll NEVER find out!" Um, excuse me for just one second. Did you just say NEVER? Ne-eh-eh-ver?!? Game on, dude!

It took about 5 minutes of snooping to find out what he had up his sleeve. Once I knew the gist of what he had planned, I quit the snooping. I knew what I needed to know. Each morning the taunting continued and behind my fake bugged look that I gave back to him, I smirked. I smirked because I knew.

That week between Christmas and my birthday was especially hard. I couldn't seem to hold back the tears. I was down. Like really, really down. I couldn't seem to find joy in anything. Each day took everything I had JUST to make it through the day. My birthday came. I heard Brett sneak out of the house WELL before the sun would be up and wondered what he was up to...because it was SO early in the morning. He snuck back in around 6:15, whispered in my ear "Happy Birthday!", and told me breakfast was on the counter...unless I wanted it in bed. Then he started to tell me about my surprise. He turned the lamp on beside the bed. As the warm glow of the lamp spread across my face, he placed a scrapbook binder on my lap, and told me he had prayed and prayed...wanting to know how to help me to feel good about myself, to feel as special as he knew I was. He told me how the thought had come to him to have people write letters to me...telling me what they thought about who I am and what I mean to them. As tears started to roll down his face...they started to roll down mine, as well. He told me how he'd prayed to have me prepared to receive the letters. I was prepared...feeling just about as low as I'd ever felt before. He told me how much he loved me, brought me my breakfast to eat in bed, kissed me, and slipped out the door to go to work.

I sat there on the bed, with a delicious warm breakfast....and the notebook. Everything was quiet. All of the world still seemed to be sleeping. For awhile I just sat there...looking at the notebook resting on my lap. Not quite ready to read, I pictured my sweet husband kneeling next to me, trying his best to express his love to me. I was ready. I opened the book and started to read. For over an hour, I sat there. I sat and read and ate and cried. A few times I had to put the book down and just cry. Other times, I laughed out loud as happy, but forgotten, memories were shared. Here I sit...3 weeks later. Still in complete and utter awe at some of the letters shared with me. Tears still streaming down my face. Some were short and sweet....others long and eloquently worded. ALL precious and priceless to me! As the sun began to rise, one by one, the children woke up and sleepily staggered into my room. They climbed in bed with me and we snuggled. They rested their heads on my tear-stained cheeks and I counted my blessings. I felt deeply loved...not only by my husband and children and MANY dear, dear friends and family members...but by my Heavenly Father.

I've had some hard days since then. But different lines from different letters have floated through my mind, giving me what I needed to face challenges with courage, to get dressed and get going, to show more love to my family and TO MYSELF.

If you wrote me a letter....THANK YOU! I know you've wanted to ask about "the surprise" and I've skirted around the question...simply because crying gives me a headache. Maybe that's not truly the reason. The reason is the same reason it's taken me so long to write this. Because I still don't feel like I've been able to explain what my birthday meant to me...how my birthday changed me...and how it will change the rest of my life!