On a journey....
to the woman I want to be.
This last month has been hard. Lately I've felt like I'm on a rollercoaster ride - like my life is out of my control. There have been a few ups with lots of down-ward dips, some free falls, and even those crazy corkscrew turns.
I've been sad and mad and short and grouchy with the children. I've felt that horrible monster of depression, pulling at my heels, trying to yank me down. Why though? Really? Because my life is good. It really is. This past month, I've had those days that I didn't feel like I could face life....those days where I just wanted to plop the kids in front of the tv, stay in my pajamas, and just cry. And some days I did. Most days, though, I pulled myself together, put on a fake face, and tried with all of my might to just function and make it through the day. I always know when I'm not feeling like myself - when I have memory cards full of pictures that need downloaded, when I don't even care to sit and record sweet things the children have said, when I've hardly even thought about Christmas....
My weight has taken a recent ride on this rollercoaster of mine, too. For years I have been faithful at the gym, attending classes 4-5 days a week, working out hard 1-2 hours each time, watching what I've been eating...trying desperately to lose the last of this baby weight that I've accumulated over the past 10 years. I felt that I DESERVED to lose the weight. After all I was putting in a TON of time and doing the best that I could. Nothing on my body seemed to change. Then I heard about so many people doing the hcg diet and the naturopath at my husbands office started offering it to the patients. I decided that I would try this one last diet...this so-called "miracle" diet - eating only 500 calories a day (with REALLY strict choices of even how to "spend" the 500 calories). I stuck to the whole thing 100%, never cheating because I wanted to SUCCEED, and watched the pounds come off. YES! 16 pounds lost=GOAL MET! Wahoo! Then it was time for the maintenance diet, where I slowly started increasing the calories and introducing new foods. 1 week of maintenance - no weight gain. 2 weeks of maintenance - no weight gain. But when I got up to around 1100 to 1200 calories a day (AND working out, mind you), the weight started coming back. I basically freaked out. What in the world? We started calling other doctor friends who focused their practice on the hcg diet...this had NEVER happened to their patients who had stuck to it like I had. Never. Not once. Over the next 3 weeks, all 16 pounds returned. I've been angry! Mad that the diet worked. That I lost the weight. That I "found" my old body. That the old body didn't stay around. That the diet got my hopes up....that I actually COULD have the results that I've worked SO long and SO hard for. I just could not commit to eating 1000 calories - with absolutely NO sugar and NO grains - AND working out every day, just to maintain the weight loss.
So, we've run a bunch of blood tests and had a hair analysis done. The results show some interesting things...and I have some work to do...a LOT of vitamins to take, some food allergies to address, changes in make-up that I wear. But it's good to know, that it isn't really ALL in my head. That there are reasons why I feel the way I do. That I'm not really crazy.
I don't know why I have a hard time letting people help me...why I feel like such a burden if I even share my sadnesses with people. I don't know why I tell my closest friends, when they call telling me that I've been constantly on their mind, that I'm fine....that everything is great! I'm sorry! I'm really, really sorry! I just don't want to feel like a burden.
Last night I layed in bed and finally, talking to Brett, just let it all out. Just let the tears stream down my face, soaking my hair and pillow. It felt good to cry and to be heard and to realize that I need to focus more time on healing ME. That it's absolutely necessary for me to be more kind to MYSELF. That I truly need to learn to love who I am. That I can't be perfect now...that it's a journey. I don't know HOW to do that yet. But I need to learn.
My Heavenly Father knows me, though. I absolutely know that! He sent a sweet angel, a homeschooling mom who I was just dropping some books off that I'd borrowed, to show me that He is constantly aware of me. That He knows just how badly I needed reassurance and that I needed it quickly. He knew how truly broken I felt and sent an almost stranger to listen and give me hope.