Hi! I'm Holly Brimhall, a newborn photographer in Gilbert, AZ. I am the mother of 4 and a lover of ALL things baby. This blog is where I share the life of my family and favorite pictures of my newborn photography sessions.

Tuesday, December 08, 2009

On a journey....

to the woman I want to be.

This last month has been hard. Lately I've felt like I'm on a rollercoaster ride - like my life is out of my control. There have been a few ups with lots of down-ward dips, some free falls, and even those crazy corkscrew turns.

I've been sad and mad and short and grouchy with the children. I've felt that horrible monster of depression, pulling at my heels, trying to yank me down. Why though? Really? Because my life is good. It really is. This past month, I've had those days that I didn't feel like I could face life....those days where I just wanted to plop the kids in front of the tv, stay in my pajamas, and just cry. And some days I did. Most days, though, I pulled myself together, put on a fake face, and tried with all of my might to just function and make it through the day. I always know when I'm not feeling like myself - when I have memory cards full of pictures that need downloaded, when I don't even care to sit and record sweet things the children have said, when I've hardly even thought about Christmas....

My weight has taken a recent ride on this rollercoaster of mine, too. For years I have been faithful at the gym, attending classes 4-5 days a week, working out hard 1-2 hours each time, watching what I've been eating...trying desperately to lose the last of this baby weight that I've accumulated over the past 10 years. I felt that I DESERVED to lose the weight. After all I was putting in a TON of time and doing the best that I could. Nothing on my body seemed to change. Then I heard about so many people doing the hcg diet and the naturopath at my husbands office started offering it to the patients. I decided that I would try this one last diet...this so-called "miracle" diet - eating only 500 calories a day (with REALLY strict choices of even how to "spend" the 500 calories). I stuck to the whole thing 100%, never cheating because I wanted to SUCCEED, and watched the pounds come off. YES! 16 pounds lost=GOAL MET! Wahoo! Then it was time for the maintenance diet, where I slowly started increasing the calories and introducing new foods. 1 week of maintenance - no weight gain. 2 weeks of maintenance - no weight gain. But when I got up to around 1100 to 1200 calories a day (AND working out, mind you), the weight started coming back. I basically freaked out. What in the world? We started calling other doctor friends who focused their practice on the hcg diet...this had NEVER happened to their patients who had stuck to it like I had. Never. Not once. Over the next 3 weeks, all 16 pounds returned. I've been angry! Mad that the diet worked. That I lost the weight. That I "found" my old body. That the old body didn't stay around. That the diet got my hopes up....that I actually COULD have the results that I've worked SO long and SO hard for. I just could not commit to eating 1000 calories - with absolutely NO sugar and NO grains - AND working out every day, just to maintain the weight loss.

So, we've run a bunch of blood tests and had a hair analysis done. The results show some interesting things...and I have some work to do...a LOT of vitamins to take, some food allergies to address, changes in make-up that I wear. But it's good to know, that it isn't really ALL in my head. That there are reasons why I feel the way I do. That I'm not really crazy.

I don't know why I have a hard time letting people help me...why I feel like such a burden if I even share my sadnesses with people. I don't know why I tell my closest friends, when they call telling me that I've been constantly on their mind, that I'm fine....that everything is great! I'm sorry! I'm really, really sorry! I just don't want to feel like a burden.

Last night I layed in bed and finally, talking to Brett, just let it all out. Just let the tears stream down my face, soaking my hair and pillow. It felt good to cry and to be heard and to realize that I need to focus more time on healing ME. That it's absolutely necessary for me to be more kind to MYSELF. That I truly need to learn to love who I am. That I can't be perfect now...that it's a journey. I don't know HOW to do that yet. But I need to learn.

My Heavenly Father knows me, though. I absolutely know that! He sent a sweet angel, a homeschooling mom who I was just dropping some books off that I'd borrowed, to show me that He is constantly aware of me. That He knows just how badly I needed reassurance and that I needed it quickly. He knew how truly broken I felt and sent an almost stranger to listen and give me hope.


southerninspiration 7:35 PM  

That all sounds like the thyroid roller coaster I've been riding the last year. It's very disappointing, so I understand what you are saying. It's not a life threatening illness, so I should be grateful, but it's VERY difficult to live with. I'm sorry that you face such disappointing issues as well. Take care,

ellen 7:45 PM  

big hugs to you!

Amanda 8:11 PM  

I love you! I miss you! I wish I was there for you... xoxo

Cami D. 9:51 PM  

Oh how I love your aching heart, a lot. Mine is crying with yours.

Ashlee 10:51 PM  

Holly - I have commented on your blog before and can help you with some of the things you are experiencing. I usually don't do self-promotion, but I could not find an email address for you. I do Calyco energy and would love to help you feel like your true self again. If you want to know more, email me at ashlee at ashleemiller (little tiny dot!) com. You are in my prayers and I am confident Heavenly Father will show you the way.

Dan and Debbie 5:48 AM  

Holly - thanks for sharing your heart. I felt like I was reading my own journal as I read your post. I am going through the exact same thing...weight issues, emotional rollercoaster, new homeschooling mom, living in a fog....I've done the hair analysis and am awaiting my appointment with them to get the low-down and supplements, plus I'm going to the dr tomorrow for the blood tests. It's quite the ride and it's very frustrating. I'm also doing a Bible study on fear (with worry & anxiety), as much of these symptoms has caused me great fear - fear of cancer, being the worst! But I'm learning that God's word is full of His promises - something I've always known but haven't always taken to heart. I'm learning to TRUST Him, because He's in control and He loves me more than all the birds in the air. I'm taking baby-steps and praying for wholeness - both spiritually, emotionally, hormonally and physically! Know that you're not alone - there are many others of us going through the same thing.

Susie 6:52 AM  

I'm so sorry you've been going through a rough time. I don't know any mothers of young children who haven't been overwhelmed at times.

I hope this is just the start of you feeling better, both mentally and physically.

Best of luck to you.

Tressa 8:46 AM  

That just plain stinks Holl! I'm so sorry. Wish I could be there to give you a great big ol hug. :)

Christine Sweet 11:29 AM  

wow. this journey seems similar to my own. praying for you!

Heather 10:25 PM  

Oh my sweet Holly! I knew there was something up. Dang you. Bless your heart child. Love you. I'm here for you. Now let's get the heck out of here!!

Franklund 9:09 AM  

I stop by your blog from time to time. Usually when I find myself with some extra time. I always enjoyed the pictures of your family and the story of your lives. Now I enjoy your stories that you share. You are one brave woman. I have a blog of my own that I share family pictures with relatives. I would never have the courage to share my deepest emotions the way you do. I hope to one day be as brave as you. You are an insperation!

Vonda G. 7:26 AM  

This is the first time Ive checked a blog or gone to any blog in over a month and I really am glad I did. You always tell it like it is, like we all feel at times but keep it in. It really is so much better to be honest with yourself and then sharing it helps the rest of us - Thanks, sweet friend. You'll be through this "shlump" (as Tamee and I say) in no time and until then your in my prayers and I have a phone :)

sherida@blogspot 10:00 AM  

Thank you SO much for sharing your precious thoughts with us! Movie quote: F.I.N.E. means freaked out, insecure, neurotic, & emotional.(HA HA) Most of us are not "fine" when we say we are. You are so amazing! I look up to you and the mother, wife, and friend you are & I strive to be more like you. I want you to be able to see that in yourself! I'm blessed to have you in my life!! I still believe (like Bear) & my Christmas wish would be for you to see yourself as I do...it would change your life!!!! Love you Holly!!!

christa 11:31 PM  

You can do this, you are a daughter of God...hang in there--even if you have to white knuckle it through. Good for you in being so brave so share this with so many who have felt these burdens also.

Melissa 11:05 AM  

you are still an inspiration, struggles and all, you really express how most women feel, how I feel a lot. I love hearing your sweet words and testimony, as happy or as sad as they are, they make me feel comfort. Thank you. Hope you know how important you are to a lot of people who haven't even met you before. big hugs!

Em @ Bunch of Scrap 4:34 PM  

I have been catching up on my blogs this past week. So I just read this post... After my last baby (Jan 09) I have been on that same roller coaster with you! I have been to the Dr. and she did order a thyroid test... I never went and had it done. I really need to get this under control. As for the weight... I have the opposite problem. I get depressed and don't eat. My mom actually had an intervention! Thank you SO much for opening up and sharing with us. I read about the sweet breakfast in bed and notebook for your birthday too... so sweet of your hubby. It feels good to know you are not the only one! XOXO

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