Hi! I'm Holly Brimhall, a newborn photographer in Gilbert, AZ. I am the mother of 4 and a lover of ALL things baby. This blog is where I share the life of my family and favorite pictures of my newborn photography sessions.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Today I'm just done...

1 week into potty-training and there have been more accidents today than the first day we started. Pee ALL over the padded dining chair, floor, and me literally 20 seconds after I asked him if he needed to go to the bathroom. Poo in the underwear 3 minutes after sitting on the potty and him saying, "But there's nothing there...." Seriously? Really. Truly. No thanks.

Done being a mom. Done being the kid's new piano teacher. Done with the crazy mornings - the pushing and prodding, the wanting to grab a certain kid by the shoulders and shake some sense into his daydreaming head, done with the endless teasing and a messy house, done with trying to constantly entertain a certain little 3 year old who is missing the ones who like to tease him and make him scream. Done with this feeling of dread and guilt inside me...like maybe it's me and not them. Like maybe they'd be better off with a mom with better ideas, who is closer to the Spirit, who ACTUALLY wants to be around them.

I sat in the temple last week and plead with my Heavenly Father to help me. I'm tired of feeling like whatever I say or whatever I try to teach is unimportant to them...like it all goes in one ear and out the other. I'm just tired. I felt like I got some inspiration. So we sat as a family last night and tried to come up with a plan to help our home be more happy, more clean, more organized, etc. It's not helping. This morning was probably one of our hardest mornings this year. And I left for the gym as mad as a hornet. I was kinda wishing it was kickboxing day...because I would've been REALLY into it today. All of that kicking and punching would've been really, really good for me. At least I didn't end up in tears this morning like I did on Friday. Friday I couldn't stop them. Brett was gone hunting - all of the kids were banned to different sections of the house or yard until it was time for school, because I just couldn't handle one more argument, yelling because so-and-so just got locked out of his bedroom, etc. But the tears are here again...and I'm done. Totally done. Nothing at all left inside of me to give. I give up....


Britta 5:33 PM  

It's gonna get better, it will!

Michelle 5:35 PM  

Holly I am so sorry that you are having a hard time right now. I know that Heavenly Father hears you and he is with you even if you may not feel Him at the moment. Find comfort in knowing that we ALL go thorugh these times as moms (and I think you do). It passes and then it's something new. Trust me I know the feeling, seriously I think it may be somethinf in the air...like maybe the start of school. Hang in there, the rewards will greater than the wotk.

Rebekah 6:43 PM  

*sigh* Me too. I need a day off...with money to spend! HA! That's not happening. I at least need a day off to go take pictures. To not think about dinner and PTA meetings and short-term mission trip meetings and funerals and yada, yada, yada.

I hope you get some relief soon. Take the yourself and the kids for ice cream - just because you love them and not because they deserve it. That always helps me.

♥Shelley 6:45 PM  

Unfortunately, I can relate to this on too many levels : ( I'm really struggling with one of mine and it's easy to get down on myself. I truly hope the rest of your week goes better.

Nicki, 7:10 PM  

How is it that being 'mommy' is so much harder than what our mom's made it look like? Hang in there and reflect on all the positive 'kid cooperative', and harmonious family days you have. They will certainly outnumber the bad days. Keep praying and leave yourself a note - "its okay not to be the "perfect" mom every day".

Poulsen Family 7:52 PM  

I could have sat down and written that post word for word last night with a few variations. I ended it crying in a hot shower and crawling into bed. I had a sacrament hymn running through my head this morning, and I think it was His way of letting me know that he knows how I feel and that I can come to him even if it's only to cry. I'm sorry to know you've been struggling, even if I don't know you personally. I hope you can find comfort and find that although the load feels too heavy sometimes you always have somewhere to turn, and how lucky we are to know that.

Heather H 7:59 PM  

Big hugs to you! I think it must be in the air, we are having those issues here, too. I know Heavenly Father loves us mothers but somedays it sure is hard to feel it. I hope tomorrow is better for you!!

Amber 8:12 PM  

Lift your chin up, dry those tears and give that little one of yours a hug. It will get better and the awesome days will soon start to outnumber the crappy ones (....I know, I know it doesn't feel like it right now but they do). You're an awesome mommy and couldn't be replaced by anyone better!

Andrea 8:50 PM  

I think that life always seems worse when it is covered in poop and pee.

Every situation seems so much harder because your anxiety is heightened when potty training.

I hate PT. It is so hard, and yet so rewarding when it happens.

I don't actually know you, but I love your blog, your photography and I am cheering you on and so is your father in heaven.

Bridget 11:39 PM  
This comment has been removed by the author.
erinferguson 5:45 AM  

"when you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on"- Franklin Roosevelt.
Holly, I just adore your blog and you are such an incredible momma!!!!! I'm sorry things have been so hard lately. I think that is awesome that you can just be transparent and real and share how you are feeling. Good for you!!!!!!!!! Can you get a babysitter and just go have some 'you' time??? Hoping for a great day for you!!!

Tressa 7:23 AM  

Thank goodness for a girls weekend! See you tomorrow night! What time do you fly in? Wanna grab some dinner and then do something? Or, do we want to get to bed earlyish for an early start on Friday morning?
Love you!

Kelley 7:53 AM  

I came to your blog through a tutorial template link, didn't find that, but found this post instead and I want to comment although I know nothing about you. I, too, could have written this post word for word. Some of the best advice I've ever been given is on those really, really difficult days pray that God shows me why I like the people I love. That may sound crazy but I have prayed very, very hard that he shows me the blessings around me in some small way and He has always come through. I think every mom can relate to how you are/were feeling when you wrote that. Hang in there! And look at baby pictures, when they were brand new and sooo sweet and not peeing on your nice chairs, that is usually a quick fix for me.

collettakay 9:28 AM  

I'm also doing the potty training with a 3 year old. I think we're over the hump though. Thank You, God!!

As for my school-kid, I got tired of having to tell her step by step what she needed to do. The same thing every day.

I made her routine charts and laminated them. She has a "Morning Routin", "After-school Routine" and a "Bed-time Routine". We started this on the 1st day of school last week and it is a dream-come-true!

If she check off everything on her routines for a day, she get $.50. Then on payday she gets allowance to use for extra things she wants. It will also teach her to use her money wisely.

Hope things get easier for you!

Christine Sweet 9:47 AM  

I can definitely relate to this moment you are having. YES, I did say MOMENT. Sure you have many of these moments, but they ARE just moments.

Two things I know about you (and I don't even really know you): 1) You are not perfect. 2) You are an amazing mother.

To me, great mothering is about the heart, it's about trying again and trying again and wanting to be better. This is what I see in you. Our God sees... He's longing to see you receive HIS goodness and patience and love in increasing measure so that you can pour it out on THEM. You're already doing this, I know. You do it and it doesn't seem to help. I know. Know you are not alone... and that soooo many Mama's feel the SAME WAY you do at times, through seasons... Do me a favor. Say to yourself throughout today whenever you're tempted to feel down on yourself, "God, I am so happy with the way you've made ME." I have to say this to myself often in order to even halfway believe it. Over time TRUTH will prevail in your mind and heart. I know it will.

TheoMama 10:20 AM  

I've never looked at your blog before. I actually got here from UCreate but I just wanted to say that I just had the exact same morning right down to the gym trip. I feel your pain and it makes me feel better (selfishly) to know that someone else has the same thoughts too (about not being the "right" mom). Good luck! I hope we make it.

Tori 10:38 AM  

Holly..as the other ladies have said..I dont "know" you either..but of course, as the same as them- I love your blog and have been reading it for years..um like..4 years? I just want you to know that I am also going throw the same fighting and day-in-day out with my two (6yrs and 2yrs)..I dont know how you do it with 4! I am also in the "am i doing the right thing? am i teaching them enough...." I just want you to know that I am praying for you...all the way over here in Texas...and I hope that you know that this too shall pass..and its okay to tell it to HURRY Up! :D Much Love!

WannaBcrafty 11:43 AM  

Wow and I thought I was the only one. This too shall pass.
Chin up as my mom always says :)
I hope things get better soon :)

Catherine 11:54 AM  

You are not alone. I know that doesn't really help, but feel free to let it out and know that mommas all over are nodding at their computer screens and having their moments of being done too.

Letia 12:39 PM  

I love your honesty. I definitely don't have the answers, but sure relate to what you are sayin'!

Kimberly & Kids 1:39 PM  

You are so darn cute and I'm grateful that you are so honest! You know what I did on Sunday, 1.5 hours before church? I left my house and went and put my make-up on in the car! I couldn't take the noise any longer. I know exactly what you mean! But...my kids are older... 19, 17, 14, 12, 10. We teach them the same thing, day after day, year after year...and it's always the same things we are talking about...everthing you mentioned about chores, and happy home, organization, etc... I'd like to say that it gets better...but...well, maybe it does some days...I don't know what it is. We are good moms with the Spirit and these are GOOD kids...hmmm.... I have no answers, but I love everything you said. It's life and sometimes we just need to go in the car to put our make-up on! Ha!

Jami 2:10 PM  

I'm so sorry you are feeling that way, Holly. You know what though? Your post really helped me. I read your blog and sometimes feel like, "Man, she's such an awesome mom and has such a great life with such sweet kids. I bet she doesn't even know what stress means." Then you open up and write something like this with such honesty and heart and I realize that nobody's life is perfect, everyone has trials, and all we can do is try to handle it the best we can and reach out to try and help others a bit more. Thank you for the perspective!

Monica 7:44 PM  

I came to your blog because of a tutorial and found this post. Tonight of all nights. As I read your post I cried. At least I'm not the only one. Tonight I am dead tired, my house is a disaster, I yelled at my children too much, the list goes on and on. I always feel like a failure as a mother. I look at those around me and they seem to have it all together. I don't know how they do it. Thank you for your post, it is so refreshing and uplifting to find someone so honest about the struggles of being a mother. Your post was my answer to recent prays. I realize that I'm not in this alone and I don't have to be perfect. I just have to do my best. Thank you, your words have lifted weights from my heart.

Scrap'N'Play 8:50 PM  

I don't know you, but feel compelled to tell you that I have 4kids and I could write you post more times than I want to remember. My oldest 2 (boys, 21 and 19)are now out of the house and I miss the arguments and name calling(I know that's hard to think right now, but it's true) My 16 yr old daughter is in the hospital in the teen mental health section because she tried to take a handful of pills 2 weeks ago and my 7 yr old is autistic(high functioning) and lately I feel like I am doing nothing but arguing with him. He came up to me shortly after I had to take my to the hospital and asked me if I was going to take him away too. That was the hardest day I have ever had. Believe me, they do get better and back a couple weeks ago, had someone told me that, I would have laughed...right through the tears coursing down my face. Keep looking up to our Heavenly Father and he will hold you in His loving arms. I have been reading the poem Footprints and trying to memorize it for those days like I've had recently. He is holding you, believe. *hugs* Stacy

Jen Jacobs 10:11 PM  

Oh, Holly I just read your last 3 post and it was like reading about my own life. Believe ME your not alone in this, I guess this is what motherhood is all about, being tired, frustrated, & overwhelmed...we can't be done, that would be to easy. Sometimes I feel so alone in this and think "gosh, I wish I was a supermom like Holly" it was eye-opening to see i'm not alone and I am normal. We just need to continue to be the best we can be!

Jen Jacobs 10:11 PM  

Oh, Holly I just read your last 3 post and it was like reading about my own life. Believe ME your not alone in this, I guess this is what motherhood is all about, being tired, frustrated, & overwhelmed...we can't be done, that would be to easy. Sometimes I feel so alone in this and think "gosh, I wish I was a supermom like Holly" it was eye-opening to see i'm not alone and I am normal. We just need to continue to be the best we can be!

Cami D. 10:52 PM  

:) I love you, your bare feet, one on the seat salad eating self! You are a great Mom, even though you didn't feel like it this day!

Anjanette 1:28 PM  

Being a mother is so much the broken record. You just say the same things over and over and over hoping that they are getting through and then once in a while you are granted a tender mercy to help you know you are on the right track.

Jennifer 11:41 AM  

This is a post that I could copy and paste in my own personal journal. I feel like it's one that I very easily could have written last Thursday or yesterday or maybe again tomorrow. I get it. Every single word. I don't know if that's comforting or overwhelming.

Hang on to the days when it was worth it and hope that another one of them is around the corner.

And go eat ice cream :)

Erik and Katherine 2:36 PM  

Holly, I came across your blog from Skye Johansens and I love your pics. I just moved to Mesa from Utah a few weeks ago and I can relate to this post on so many levels! Plus, I'm potty training my almost 3 year old daughter who we just transitioned to a big girl bed and moved to a different state. All of this on top of recently having a baby. What was I thinking?!! I can certainly understand your frustration but I know Heavenly Father helps us moms out. Well, at least that's what I'm hoping!

Cyndi 9:19 PM  

I felt EXACTLY like that the last 3 weeks of summer this year!!!!!!!!! I have 3 kids similar ages to yours...I know how you feel!!!

Britt- Sparkled Vintage Charm 8:02 AM  

Being a Mom sure can be a struggle sometimes can't it?! :-) My hubby works long days(15-16 hours sometimes) and although I am grateful that I am a stay at home mama I am often in tears and about ready to collapse by the time he finally gets home. lol. I am potty traing 2 kiddos right now(one 3 and one just turned 2) One of them wants NOTHING to do with the "sticker potty" as we call it. The other wants to go,but both of them have disasters ALL the time. Through a newborn baby that screams when you aren't holding her into the mix and I am totally stressed. lol. What is that saying? " I never said it would be easy. I only said it would be worth it." Being a parent isn't easy. It is very stressful and hard at times, but it truly is worth it. I am sure you are a wonderful Mom. Hang in there! :-)I hope you have a fabulous day!!
xoxo!! Britt :-)

Ali 1:23 PM  

Hey Holly, hang in there sister! I know it doesn't help much to hear that you're not alone. Life is full of ups and downs. Lots of things to be overwhelmed with right now. I've been feeling a little in the dumps lately too. The other day, while enjoying 2 minutes of silence in the bathroom (imagine that!) I flipped open an old Ensign and read a little article ("Lifted by the Lord's Love", March 2010). There was a scripture that touched my heart and gave me inspiration to press on. It's a verse in D&C where the Lord comforts JS: "My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; (D&C 121:7)...They shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good" (D&C 122:7)

Peace be with you sister!

Porie 10:22 PM  

I finally realized that my feeling the way you did in this post EVERY.SINGLE.DAY was depression. And that it wouldn't just go away. People tell us to pray and read our scriptures. But that just makes us feel worse. It is hard to explain this to someone who doesn't deal with severe depression. It's like you are laying on a couch 10 feet away from a magic wand that, if you could wave it, would make everything all better. But you CAN'T GET OFF THE COUCH! Its like you are hovering above your own body telling yourself to get up, play with your kids and be happy. But the real you can't. It's like we have forgotten how and there is no one to teach us how again. This may seem like a total waste of words. But it's the torture I have gone through for years. And I had to bite the bullet and admit I needed something more than prayer to heal me.

Kristal 4:17 PM  

AHH, good, even the perfect have these days. Good to know. We had a summer of poop and pee, and we don't have one that's potty training. The teasing and arguing...well, you spent a week with us....my older two....experts in those areas.
Hope things are better
Love you lots!

Nettie 6:31 PM  

needed to read this for a myriad of reasons. thank you for posting it.

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