Someday I'll belong here....
Today after I got the kids ready for school, there was a knock at the door. In our new house, the front door has a window in it. I could see two women and a few children at the door. My heart jumped, hoping to see who might have come to welcome us (and glad that I was dressed AND had my hair done and make-up on)...wondering if maybe my visitors were my new visiting teachers, my new friends. My visitors were kind and smiling and there to share a scripture with me. They were not my new visiting teachers. They were truly lovely members of the Jehovah's Witness Church.
After my visitors left, I decided to go home. My home.
I thought it would feel good to drive through my familiar neighborhood. To think about the dear people who live in the houses I passed...the people that I love and the people that love me back. I thought it would feel good to be home.
I opened the door to find a mostly empty home and noticed that it was my heart that felt empty. Like somebody had opened up my chest, took out half of my heart, and left it in the corner.
I promised myself that I wouldn't immediately start comparing this new ward to our ward at "home". But it's hard not to. I remember moving into our brand new home that we had dreamed up and built, with a nonstop flow of welcoming neighbors and treats and dinners. We joked that we might as well just set up some camping chairs in the front yard and wait for everyone to come by. We haven't needed our camping chairs here. Not yet.
I walked through random rooms in the house, picking up items left behind, loading them in my car. In my 30 minutes at "home", a few neighbors noticed my car outside and stopped by to say hello and to tell us they cannot believe we are really gone.
I thought about the young men my husband worked with at church and how they had moved all of our food storage for us. That after they were done, all 17 of those deacons surrounded by husband in a huge group bear hug. We were loved there.
And someday we will be loved here. We will belong here. I know it. Everyone was SO welcoming at church. I just know it will take time. It always does. Someday this house will feel like a home to me. So I'll just be sad for a few more minutes and let those last tears fall...and then I'll get to work, unpacking a few more boxes....and maybe hang some more curtains...and look forward to the day when I belong again.
Added at 5:43 pm:
Maybe I should see if I can find those camping chairs. I *think* I know where they are. Lovely neighbors with flowers, an invitation for a date night (dinner & ward temple night), and sweet neighbors with cookies...yes, someday soon I will feel at home.
My tulips on my table, from a dear friend at "home", are starting to die...
Her children call her "Mother Teresa", because she is that amazing...
I call her Susan. A dear, dear friend...
And now my table has some new, cheery flowers (as well as some fresh, warm cookies)...
And my heart is feeling much, much better. I'm pretty sure that SOMEDAY isn't really that far away...
6 comments:
I know how you feel Holly. My family left Houston almost a year ago because of work. We now live in Dallas in a new neighborhood development. The whole time we have lived here not one neighbor has stopped by to say hello, welcome to the neighborhood...nothing. I long to be back in Houston where all of my friends are! I can't wait to go back!
Maybe your new ward family and neighbors need a little help. You are really beautiful and that can be intimidating so maybe they just need you to make the first few moves. Maybe you will have to show them how it is done. You can do it, you have a bunch of great things to share with people. For example your kind heart and creativity. Good luck!
We just moved into a new house (which we just remodeled) / ward too and i'm feeling the same way. Hoping to make friends...hoping my kids make friends...wondering if i made a mistake and if we shouldn't have come here. There are NO kids in the neighborhood. Everything seems foreign and a little "off". I hope you make friends soon. If you can't make friends, then there is no hope for me :)
p.s. i'm friends of your brother in law / sister in law (kendra). We were in their ward in cleveland.
I have some very dear friends in your new ward... They are some of the most loving people I know. I am sure with time you will love them too. Hang in there!
Big hugs sweet one. Praying for your sweet family during this transition.
Holly, you don't know me, but my heart is breaking for you. We had to leave our life in Idaho a little over a year ago. We now rent a tiny farm house in the middle of no-where in Washington. My heart still aches to go back. We're in our routine, but it's not the same. So I guess what I'm trying to say, is that it is all part of the journey. It hurts to grow. And I too, am hoping that someday it will feel like home again. It will get better, just keep finding the bright side of things.
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